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Unnecessary emotional chatter

The problem has been established, my relationship with food is not healthy. I eat food for comfort, boredom, stress, anxiety and when I am depressed. This leads me to a spiral of guilt, as I feel guilty for eating so much which make me more depressed. People who have a nonemotional relationship with food always have the quick easy answer of this is all it takes. It is as simple as track the food you eat and what your body expels and after a few weeks, you will see how simple it is to know when to stop and why because of the number associated with it. This thing is it is that number that often leads to the additional guilt of not making it and right now seeing those numbers would turn this change into a daunting unsurmountable task. The aches of the stomach and the big red numbers saying you ate too much I would have to fight to tell myself it is okay. For example, today stress and a bit of hunger led me to buying a bottle of dr pepper and having a snack bag of cheese-its. This yes would have let me over my calories, however, without that number I am able to easily say “I only had half the bottle” and “Tomorrow I will pack a snack and bring my water to lunch.” This was a small setback but does not destroy my day.

In saying these I know, I am defeating myself.  In already vocalizing that I can’t handle or it’s overwhelming  to put it into numbers. That is the point though of what I am doing and taking it into steps where I will be able to handle it no matter what stress the day hands before. At this point, it is about training my mental state to not be so hard on myself of these little things and remember food is just that food. It can be deliciously but it is not what will stop tears from flowing nor will it stop the boredom that comes in the night when I can not sleep but do not want to do anything. This is my lifestyle change and through time and steps, my relationship with food will be better.

inside a bowl only to see what surrounds you

your burdens, your triumphs, your failures, and your riches

you hold each to unlikeable perceptions

molding your bowl deeper and deeper

learn to persevere with goodness and joy

reshaping your bowl and with it, your perception of yourself

as well as the world


Beating an old Relationship

My relationship with food is a damaged one and it needs to be repaired. When I begin binging because I need comfort or to feel anything else it creates a cycle that spirals down. Once I indulge in those foods my stomach fills up and my head mounts with grief as I feel guilty about what I ate.  To start repairing this I am making the extreme change in my diet to a Paleo style diet. there are multiple reasons for this dietary habit that I have chosen. one is that it is hard and there will be times I won’t be successful. The point is that I can pull myself away from the guilt I feel in letting myself down as well as the feeling of letting those I love down. Is this true disappointment? No, it is not. The disappointment with those I love is all in my head. This diet also has forced me to do research to ensure that I change my diet to the paleo diet correctly, know all that it entails. The last is for my over-all health, I have been experiencing more aches and pains, more exhaustions and if it is connected to my eating habits I want to find out.  So today I ate 2 slices of a cake I had baked. It was delicious and I did feel bad about eating it. Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will strive for success at work and in eating.  A good thing about going paleo is i have my boyfriend by my side. He has chosen to do this with me (minus the 12 pack in the fridge) which will be a huge help.

ever expanding together

stomach and guilt, outward  and larger they grow

continuously flowing until the feeding stops

stomach fills and guilt does not

From Frustration to Fix

I usually like to be more poetic when I write. However, with mounting pressures and a patience that has run it’s course it’s time to be direct and honest. I never saw myself working a job quit like this but I supposed with any job these issues could happen again. How is it that people don’t see how their actions affect those around them? A boss that pushes for unrealistic and unreasonable time lines pushes out a boss that truly managed and developed people. Associates that move so slow and incorrectly enough that it is apparent they are not doing what they could and trying to force a decision of moving them to something else. Other teams that have certain jobs under their umbrella push back on what their job is, then instead of correcting what they do wrong telling someone else to do it and lastly not doing it correctly. Lastly grown married men that are in charge or others going on a business trip and aggressively hitting one their female employees, thus adding enough validation to the rumor of an internal affair and the baby that was created. The girl gets moved to another team while the manager is still there with the appearance of no repercussions.   The most PC term that I am willing to use is frustration, I have used many a colorful other term but for now I will stick with frustration. People are frustrating, associates are frustrating, managers are frustrating, customers are frustrating, clients are frustrating making work frustrating which like a bowling pot of potatoes spills over when it is too full. The frustration is bowling over and spilling into the parts of my life I love and enjoy. So after weeks of letting myself get depressed and upset about everything I have decided to move onward and upward. I have started a 21 day fix program. It is supposed to be for food intake and exercise however I have decided to apply to other things to this 21day fix. Day 1 was leaving at work after 8 hours instead of staying late then continue my C2K5 running with my friend. Once I got home I continued and did day 1 work out pushing and sweating feeling my thighs and legs burn and shake. Lastly the final step for personal is cleaning up after myself. Cleaning all the dishes, making sure all my clothes for the day was picked up things that I got to tried and frustrated to care about. Today I follow with keeping up to my day 2 plan working out and eating (mostly, save a frustrated eating of some sour patch kids) and today I chose to write instead of do nothing as I calmly wait for my delightful man friend to arrive at the flyway from Orlando.

So bare with me the next 21 days as I work to improve my life through healthy eating, fitness, writing and accessing parts of my brain and psyche that have not be accessed the last 3 years.

Daily thought

Today I reflect my weekend and realize that self worth is more than confidence it’s acceptance. So through digestion I say…
Acceptance of self is greater than acceptance of others.

Misery loves compaby

Movies, books, shows and any source of media will tell you that misery loves company. It’s a bit overused and overwrought term. However it could not be closer to the truth. When people are miserable they either surround themselves with similarly miserable people or turn to others making them miserable as well. A miserable person hates, dislikes and/or gets more miserable when they are around happy people.
The question for me and for all of us when we are apart of the misery loves company duo is was I misery that wanted company or the company that misery wanted and sought for?

Sometimes the first step in letting go of the past and finding your future ia realizing your personal transgressions against people.  Realizing how you have done wrong and what you reach to apologize for and hopefully be forgiven for. In tbe realization you cry and you feel like scum (if you didn’t already). However that’s not the hardest part of the process, it’s the reaching out part. I’ve learned in my current situation that a phone call is needed, dialing thag number is the hardest part because for me you are telling them you were wrong. Your stubbornness has to be put the side and make the call. Once that phone starts ringing, whether they pick up or not there is no turning back. the thing is to not everyone will forgive you. Not everyone will welcome the apology and it’s learning to realize the apology while yes for you isn’t all about that. It is also about putting the idea of forgiveness out into the universe for the chance of something to happen. For the chance that they will see that you know you have done wrong and for the chance to release any resentment. And with putting that apology into the universe you also leave the door open for all resentments to dissolve. While the people may not be ready to accept your apology one day when they are ready the apology has already been in place.
So, pick up the phone and apologize.

Banned in a corner

You know when you were a kid and parents punished you in different ways? And while they all had there proven methods and different outcomes there was always that one thing that affected you the most. For me it was the yelling proceeded by the inevitable silence and loneliness of the corner. In all cases that one punishment seems to be that shadow that walks around you. It pears its ugly head when fights with loved one occur. The yelling and lecturing of how you fucked up followed by silence. While the silence for the yeller is to calm down the silence for the person being yelled at is like the silence of the corner. Sometimes the silence of the corner is preceded by forgiveness yet other times it is preceded by further punishment. It is a fear that I still struggle with and get anxiety about. While my fear is no where near the fear of an abused child it is still a
fear I struggle with and when fights occur with friends and I am the culprit of the wrong doing I still feel the child like fear and loneliness that I had when I was a young child. Shame of doing something wrong, loneliness of being shunned and fear that nothing will ever be the same again.

Life is strange. Growing up I never really knew who I was or what I really wanted to be. I always struggled with the many things people thought I was, what my parents wanted me to be and what I thought I was. I thought I broke out of it when I was 21. In a sense I crashed and burned with a very drunk, non harming anyone, dui. I realized that I needed to really find out me. The difficulty that then arose was something as simple as need to live and survive. So from starting point was working full time while going out and partying, not exactly a way to find out what makes me go. But I dived into work, school and never really had any time for me. Even with the time for me it was about going out, spending time with my boyfriend of the time, or freaking out. There was no real figure out time, was always to exhausted to anything mentally outside of what I was doing. Over the last few months I’ve been discovering more and more time. Extra time for me is a “what do I do with it” response. Well I went from a little extra time to lots. I got a new job that I have all my nights and weekends off. All this time was unheard of for me. It started to create a strange emotional reaction that has been peaking ever so slowly. Fast enough though that everyone around has been reacting to me before I even know what is going to happen creating this ever emerging emotional reaction to an out bursting of tears. Then I remembered something an older coworker of mine told me in talking to her about my work life. She made the comment “working that much you loose who you are.” She’s right. While I thought I was on a path to what I was I realized, I have no idea and I don’t want to go to those closest to me because of the fear that I will not find me. However, I also feel like my biggest fear is the fear of being alone. I do not have a boyfriend and I am currently in the “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP” screaming phase and lately my friends seem to be getting upset for things I do creating further emotions of being alone. 

It’s a learning matter at this point. Take things differently, let go of things and really learn what I’m about and just cross my fingers that when I do figure it out I haven’t left people behind, especially hurt people. Lord knows I have been hurt enough, don’t want to do it to others. 

It seems that in the culture we have grown into my generation and the next seem to use their social networks as an outlet. The problem with this is since it is an outlet for people these same people tend to believe that posts and updates deal with them. Here is the danger zone because this is not always true. So we need to remind ourselves that assuming is one of worlds greatest lies to ourselves. It is not just making an ass of u and me it’s hurting someone because you think they are trying to hurt you.
Get out of the me generation and jump into the world of conversations.

Dreams and impulses

You know those dreams that totally fuck up your head. Then you let your impulses overtake you and you do something that you know you probably shouldn’t have. That’s what this idiot did. So I wake up in the middle of the night from a real fucked up dream. Here was the dream: 

I ran into a guy that I thought was my ex-boyfriend. For previous history the ex-boyfriend is the ex-boyfriend that I just can’t seem to get out of my head, even when I think I do, bam, he re-appears. Anyway so I run into ‘my ex-boyfriend’ and he asked he wanted to catch up so we did. Of course in dream time this flashes by and we are all of a sudden walking by his apartment invites me in and then shortly after we have sex. Flash forward all of a sudden this guy has long fucking hair and then I realize it’s not my ex. We argue as we put on clothes then his girlfriend walks in I say sorry and that he’s a tool and get out. Shortly after I run into my actual ex, and then the dream ends.

When I woke up I didn’t know what to think. I kept thinking about it and thinking about. The thing is I had been thinking of contacting him but EVERY ONE of my friends said I shouldn’t. Well because of this dream, I let my impulses take over and I sent him an email. Short just asking him how he’s doing and telling him that I was finally graduating. My head goes, if you ever want to be his friend again you need to contact him and before you know it I hit the send button…. then instantly think, Fuck I can’t believe I just did that. I just fucking did that. I put myself on a limb and jumped. Truth be told I don’t know if I could or should have him in my life. But I just made a step where it might happen. 

At the end of the day though, whether I should or shouldn’t have the fact is I did and I no longer have to wonder what would happen if I contacted him. (At least that is what I keep telling myself).