Archive for January, 2013

Sometimes the first step in letting go of the past and finding your future ia realizing your personal transgressions against people.  Realizing how you have done wrong and what you reach to apologize for and hopefully be forgiven for. In tbe realization you cry and you feel like scum (if you didn’t already). However that’s not the hardest part of the process, it’s the reaching out part. I’ve learned in my current situation that a phone call is needed, dialing thag number is the hardest part because for me you are telling them you were wrong. Your stubbornness has to be put the side and make the call. Once that phone starts ringing, whether they pick up or not there is no turning back. the thing is to not everyone will forgive you. Not everyone will welcome the apology and it’s learning to realize the apology while yes for you isn’t all about that. It is also about putting the idea of forgiveness out into the universe for the chance of something to happen. For the chance that they will see that you know you have done wrong and for the chance to release any resentment. And with putting that apology into the universe you also leave the door open for all resentments to dissolve. While the people may not be ready to accept your apology one day when they are ready the apology has already been in place.
So, pick up the phone and apologize.


Banned in a corner

You know when you were a kid and parents punished you in different ways? And while they all had there proven methods and different outcomes there was always that one thing that affected you the most. For me it was the yelling proceeded by the inevitable silence and loneliness of the corner. In all cases that one punishment seems to be that shadow that walks around you. It pears its ugly head when fights with loved one occur. The yelling and lecturing of how you fucked up followed by silence. While the silence for the yeller is to calm down the silence for the person being yelled at is like the silence of the corner. Sometimes the silence of the corner is preceded by forgiveness yet other times it is preceded by further punishment. It is a fear that I still struggle with and get anxiety about. While my fear is no where near the fear of an abused child it is still a
fear I struggle with and when fights occur with friends and I am the culprit of the wrong doing I still feel the child like fear and loneliness that I had when I was a young child. Shame of doing something wrong, loneliness of being shunned and fear that nothing will ever be the same again.

Life is strange. Growing up I never really knew who I was or what I really wanted to be. I always struggled with the many things people thought I was, what my parents wanted me to be and what I thought I was. I thought I broke out of it when I was 21. In a sense I crashed and burned with a very drunk, non harming anyone, dui. I realized that I needed to really find out me. The difficulty that then arose was something as simple as need to live and survive. So from starting point was working full time while going out and partying, not exactly a way to find out what makes me go. But I dived into work, school and never really had any time for me. Even with the time for me it was about going out, spending time with my boyfriend of the time, or freaking out. There was no real figure out time, was always to exhausted to anything mentally outside of what I was doing. Over the last few months I’ve been discovering more and more time. Extra time for me is a “what do I do with it” response. Well I went from a little extra time to lots. I got a new job that I have all my nights and weekends off. All this time was unheard of for me. It started to create a strange emotional reaction that has been peaking ever so slowly. Fast enough though that everyone around has been reacting to me before I even know what is going to happen creating this ever emerging emotional reaction to an out bursting of tears. Then I remembered something an older coworker of mine told me in talking to her about my work life. She made the comment “working that much you loose who you are.” She’s right. While I thought I was on a path to what I was I realized, I have no idea and I don’t want to go to those closest to me because of the fear that I will not find me. However, I also feel like my biggest fear is the fear of being alone. I do not have a boyfriend and I am currently in the “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP” screaming phase and lately my friends seem to be getting upset for things I do creating further emotions of being alone. 

It’s a learning matter at this point. Take things differently, let go of things and really learn what I’m about and just cross my fingers that when I do figure it out I haven’t left people behind, especially hurt people. Lord knows I have been hurt enough, don’t want to do it to others. 

It seems that in the culture we have grown into my generation and the next seem to use their social networks as an outlet. The problem with this is since it is an outlet for people these same people tend to believe that posts and updates deal with them. Here is the danger zone because this is not always true. So we need to remind ourselves that assuming is one of worlds greatest lies to ourselves. It is not just making an ass of u and me it’s hurting someone because you think they are trying to hurt you.
Get out of the me generation and jump into the world of conversations.