Life is strange. Growing up I never really knew who I was or what I really wanted to be. I always struggled with the many things people thought I was, what my parents wanted me to be and what I thought I was. I thought I broke out of it when I was 21. In a sense I crashed and burned with a very drunk, non harming anyone, dui. I realized that I needed to really find out me. The difficulty that then arose was something as simple as need to live and survive. So from starting point was working full time while going out and partying, not exactly a way to find out what makes me go. But I dived into work, school and never really had any time for me. Even with the time for me it was about going out, spending time with my boyfriend of the time, or freaking out. There was no real figure out time, was always to exhausted to anything mentally outside of what I was doing. Over the last few months I’ve been discovering more and more time. Extra time for me is a “what do I do with it” response. Well I went from a little extra time to lots. I got a new job that I have all my nights and weekends off. All this time was unheard of for me. It started to create a strange emotional reaction that has been peaking ever so slowly. Fast enough though that everyone around has been reacting to me before I even know what is going to happen creating this ever emerging emotional reaction to an out bursting of tears. Then I remembered something an older coworker of mine told me in talking to her about my work life. She made the comment “working that much you loose who you are.” She’s right. While I thought I was on a path to what I was I realized, I have no idea and I don’t want to go to those closest to me because of the fear that I will not find me. However, I also feel like my biggest fear is the fear of being alone. I do not have a boyfriend and I am currently in the “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP” screaming phase and lately my friends seem to be getting upset for things I do creating further emotions of being alone. 

It’s a learning matter at this point. Take things differently, let go of things and really learn what I’m about and just cross my fingers that when I do figure it out I haven’t left people behind, especially hurt people. Lord knows I have been hurt enough, don’t want to do it to others.