Archive for October, 2016

Unnecessary emotional chatter

The problem has been established, my relationship with food is not healthy. I eat food for comfort, boredom, stress, anxiety and when I am depressed. This leads me to a spiral of guilt, as I feel guilty for eating so much which make me more depressed. People who have a nonemotional relationship with food always have the quick easy answer of this is all it takes. It is as simple as track the food you eat and what your body expels and after a few weeks, you will see how simple it is to know when to stop and why because of the number associated with it. This thing is it is that number that often leads to the additional guilt of not making it and right now seeing those numbers would turn this change into a daunting unsurmountable task. The aches of the stomach and the big red numbers saying you ate too much I would have to fight to tell myself it is okay. For example, today stress and a bit of hunger led me to buying a bottle of dr pepper and having a snack bag of cheese-its. This yes would have let me over my calories, however, without that number I am able to easily say “I only had half the bottle” and “Tomorrow I will pack a snack and bring my water to lunch.” This was a small setback but does not destroy my day.

In saying these I know, I am defeating myself.  In already vocalizing that I can’t handle or it’s overwhelming  to put it into numbers. That is the point though of what I am doing and taking it into steps where I will be able to handle it no matter what stress the day hands before. At this point, it is about training my mental state to not be so hard on myself of these little things and remember food is just that food. It can be deliciously but it is not what will stop tears from flowing nor will it stop the boredom that comes in the night when I can not sleep but do not want to do anything. This is my lifestyle change and through time and steps, my relationship with food will be better.

inside a bowl only to see what surrounds you

your burdens, your triumphs, your failures, and your riches

you hold each to unlikeable perceptions

molding your bowl deeper and deeper

learn to persevere with goodness and joy

reshaping your bowl and with it, your perception of yourself

as well as the world


Beating an old Relationship

My relationship with food is a damaged one and it needs to be repaired. When I begin binging because I need comfort or to feel anything else it creates a cycle that spirals down. Once I indulge in those foods my stomach fills up and my head mounts with grief as I feel guilty about what I ate.  To start repairing this I am making the extreme change in my diet to a Paleo style diet. there are multiple reasons for this dietary habit that I have chosen. one is that it is hard and there will be times I won’t be successful. The point is that I can pull myself away from the guilt I feel in letting myself down as well as the feeling of letting those I love down. Is this true disappointment? No, it is not. The disappointment with those I love is all in my head. This diet also has forced me to do research to ensure that I change my diet to the paleo diet correctly, know all that it entails. The last is for my over-all health, I have been experiencing more aches and pains, more exhaustions and if it is connected to my eating habits I want to find out.  So today I ate 2 slices of a cake I had baked. It was delicious and I did feel bad about eating it. Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will strive for success at work and in eating.  A good thing about going paleo is i have my boyfriend by my side. He has chosen to do this with me (minus the 12 pack in the fridge) which will be a huge help.

ever expanding together

stomach and guilt, outward  and larger they grow

continuously flowing until the feeding stops

stomach fills and guilt does not