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Focus

So as I sit, in a coffee shop I once knew so well, I avoid writing a paper. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. You ever have something that sticks in your head for weeks, something that had been relatively invisible to your mind, eyes and feelings. That is were I am. So much is on my mind, so much that is not supposed to be. I can write, obviously but I can’t write what i need to write. I write about everything else. How I am need of a new computer, cause mine is busted and slow as hell. How I haven’t had a date in… oh I don’t know, i want to say 2 years. How I need to get this paper done, but stare at a screen with one page done and not able to write anything else. How I want my own place, with a room of my own. How I need to get out of this head space, but not matter how much I write and expel, I can’t get the thoughts out of my system.  It all should be done, it all should be gone. Vent, vent, Vent…. Steam, Steam, Steam….. need to focus in the right space.

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If you could see me now, in the wake of loss, death and lovelessness, it would be a blur to your eyes. Just as the buzz of your ears when you sit in a full coffee shop, everyone talking, blenders mixing, steamers screeching, grinder yelling, so loud you can’t hear your own thoughts. A blur of a person that once was, and is no more, for better or worse, it would be a shadow.

If you could see me now, in the wake of death, lovelessness and struggle, it would be a smudge in your eyes. Just as a blotch that sits and stays as the elephant on my shoulders, weighing my spirit and the upturn of my lips down, pushing down that sparkle that you had seen, crushing into dust, poof. A smudge of a person that once was, and is no more, for better or worse, it would be a haze.

If you could see me now, in the wake of lovelessness, struggle and growth, it would be a shape in your thought. Just as the memory or childhood fades and vanishes, except for really good, or the dreadfully bad, distortion of facts, simply by the work of time. A smear of a person that once was, and is no more, for better or worse, it would be a vague impression.

Of which the cause was you.

Blackberry thrown again a wall,

mechanical juices falling to the floor.

Her nose got chopped,

she licked the juice, said she didn’t,

Her voice got chopped

as she teetered on a wire of plain –

White – transparent – lies, Candy

coated in her clouds of words turning back

to cut her feet, cut her wire, falling at her own

deception. Cut her body into pieces spite

her own porcelain  face.

So today I had been irritated annoyed and over all touchy. So after work instead of going straight to school I decided to go home, nap and then walk. All things which hopefully (along

More adding to the tally

Okay so more to add… but at least this time my additions to the tall have waited months, maybe my klutziness is finally slowing down. (Well when it comes to breaking things, if you must as ‘are you still dropping things?’ the answer is yes).

Only one more thing broken, it is one of the ceramic tea bag holders that looks like a tea pot (when I started in October/November we had 4, we know have total of 1).

3 Cuts to add

– One on my middle finger. I was cleaning the inside of a refrigerator that had a lot of dried and chilled on vanilla frosting and it had gotten under the back panel. Well I believed that my fingers could fit under there, WRONG. As it turns out it barely fit (and I kept insisting on shoving my hand under it to clean) and the bottom end was sharp so, I said goodbye to a small chunk of the skin on my middle finger.

–  Another on base of my thumb on my left hand. I felt it, thought it didn’t do anything and next thing I know I was bleeding

– The final a random cut on the palm of my hand that I know I got at work but do not know where. I just know that it is in a spot that I constantly have to clean so it does not get infected. Thank you cuts on my right palm. : /

 

My next add to the tally I will add them up and see where I am. Kinda sad and morbid but hey that is part of my life and I must say right now it is a good one.

Nonsensical Lust

Worlds keep on twisting and turning.

 Life keeps on rolling,

Charcoal cloud that interject.

Lovers lust that just decent.

How are you to be this hard?

How will you to be this cold.

Fire erupts into nonsensical words,

Crazy Unscrupulous Neurotic

Twat. The previous Love lust to all who hold,

Love lust to those who Just

can’t

wait.

Sitting, toes tapping, butte numbing, fingers

compost, nails biting, jaws clenching, waiting.

Rain keeps blowing, lights keep passing by

cheeks white, cold and wet

from rain as wet as the ground was dry.

 

“Amputated rose” frost bitten from life, from you,

from him. Bottled up, closed off, shut down

once was, was never more. Imagine me

this way, in words

Crazy Unscrupulous Neurotic Twat.

Don’t say it, don’t think it, don’t

mention it!

Loves lust lost forever, just his imprinted on

the discovery channel, all she did(n’t)

 want, all she got a song to remember her a

Ram to ignite her, a lioness, but

all they want is a slug, “a theoretical baby”

to-  freak-  them- out or her or

did “Vermont” really grow or have

Anything.

Love lust never came.Love lust just fermented.

Love lust, just

Stop.

Helium Sand

If a crow could catch a snowflake on the tip

of its tongue, than I can tolerate

a balloon with shapely legs and waist that pump up to its

Dazzaling D’s and head inflates with bleach.

If you could teach a hen, no

a donkey

or an elephant

to tell the truth, then I can play a tune with bleeding pleasure

on my Hendrix ax, while “Castles

made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually.”

Shower

Shaving cream

orange rusty ring

White and tiffany blue razor

clear gunk that has blade imprints and short stubbly hair

Vanilla Lavender body wash

nothing

Blue bar of soap

shrunk to the size of a money clip

Royal purple bathroom puff

white around the spout of the bathtub faucet

Brilliant Blonde shampoo and conditioner

empty bottles, stuck in place

Glory for girls face wash

vacant space

Axe shampoo

dripping down into the eye

Things that were

reminisce of ensued events.

Tough men have yet to shed a tear

yet to release the grip of

life’s lusts and desires so

Undone and done over.

Everyone thinks that starting a New Year means life is going to change. All the New Year’s resolutions, that 80-99% of the time get broken. The thing is people make all these grand ideas about the new year and talk about what they are going to do and then plus or minus 1 week the things they talk about they are still talking about and not just doing. People’s diet and quick weight loss and the goals to fix their “flaws” and “imperfections. You know like in the Friends episode where Monica was going to take more pictures, Ross was going to try something different every day (and he got stuck in those leather pants), Rachel was going to stop gossiping and Chandler was going to stop all the sarcastic jokes? The problem is resolutions such as these never follow through all the way. Yeah, you may lose those 20 pounds in a month but are you really going to keep on going with the diet once you hit the weight you want. Half the time, no because there is one basic thing that people forget to think about when they make a resolution. It should not be about short term, at the end of the day if you truly want to change your life, your circumstances and everything around it the conscious decision and action for a lifestyle change has to be fulfilled. So here is my resolution…. I don’t have one. But at the end of the year I will check in and hell you should too and let everyone know the conscious lifestyle change that you and I made to better our lives and ourselves or the others around us. And remember as you start to break you resolutions over the next few days (cause we all do) change does not happen with our constant effort. Enjoy 2012 and change your own life as I will do my best to change mine.

Add one to the tally

image

Add a burn to the talley of me being injured at work. Short story… dishes, frying pan, trying to be efficient and failing